How should a father react if he is 14-15 years old? daughter doesn't sleep at home? Or does she bring a guy home, declaring that he will spend the night with her? Or daughter spends the night visiting and you don't like it very much?
Raising a daughter, however, like raising a teenager of any gender is a rather complex process. The question is, who do you want to end up with? What will your daughter become? An obedient toy in the hands of another man or an independent adult woman?
At 14-15 years old, a girl already wants to be independent, do real adult things, meet guys, go to clubs late, and not sleep at home. She wants to not only seem like an adult, but also to be one.
If you find yourself in such a situation, it’s not just about sex, as you may have immediately thought. Most likely, your daughter wants to check on you. How will you react to such desires of hers? Will you be able to accept her and help her grow up, or will you end up like the fathers of the other guys in her company, “not understanding, backward, old, tyrant, etc.”
For her, a new adult life with all its joys and delights is just beginning. Yes, she does not yet understand and does not see the dangers from which you have protected her all these years. And your task as a father is to prepare her for these meetings.
The daughter spends the night visiting. What will happen if it is banned?
Standing in the way of your daughter's wishes and their realization is stupid.
If her psyche is stable, you will get a serious rebellion, including leaving home. You will experience a lot of anger and aggression towards yourself, defiant behavior, unannounced sleepovers with friends, inviting your boyfriend home and much more. She will become independent, but your relationship will be pretty damaged for years, maybe forever.
If your daughter's psyche is weak, you can break her morally. She will become obedient, she will not have her own opinion, she will agree with all your instructions. She will become an outwardly ideal wife for her husband, obedient, submissive, she will only periodically come to you and complain about her tyrant husband who does not give her life or simply cry into her pillow from hopelessness and despair. Your desires have not gone away.
There is also an option when she simply lies low and waits for the right moment to run away from you, for example, to get married or to study in another city. And then the qualities of her gentleman or the prestige of the university and the quality of education will interest her last. They will be a way for her to escape from you to freedom. Usually such a marriage ends very quickly. Your relationship will become as formal as possible and you will not really know anything about how, with whom and what she lives with.
All these variations will not make your daughter happier. Maybe later, over time, she will learn and return to you, but when will this happen?
What to do if your daughter doesn’t sleep at home?
It is best to create a relationship with your daughter in which you take on the role of a mentor and assistant. In which you will be on her side, and not against. This process may require some effort on your part.
It would be good to start any of your “educational” conversations with preliminary preparation.
- Be sure to strive to understand your motivation. What are your feelings towards your daughter now? Why, from what internal motives are you now trying to prohibit, advise or force her to do something? Is this really a desire to protect and protect her, and not, for example, to punish for a previously committed offense? If you punish, then it’s better not to lie, but to tell it like it is, so at least it will be honest.
- Be sure to tell her about your attitude towards her, about why you are offering something, for what reasons you have. Teenagers often interpret their parents' actions in their own way. Make yourself clear.
- It is important not just to forbid her to do something, but also to explain what exactly you consider dangerous and why. Moreover, you should explain this to yourself in advance. Is it really that dangerous if daughter spends the night visiting? Understand why it should be this way. And this should be an answer that you yourself believe. By this age, teenagers are usually already good at reading lies and simply will not believe you if you yourself do not believe what you are telling them.
Whatever you do, safety is of the utmost importance. This is the main function of the role of a father for his daughter. All your actions should be as safe as possible in relation to her, especially in complex and conflict situations. Remind her that everything you do is out of concern for her (if that is the case).
Child age: 19
What to do if your daughter doesn’t want to come home?
Hello! My daughter graduated from school with honors and went to study in another city. My husband and I were left to raise our second child, who was one year old. At first, everything was fine with my daughter, but because of her debt, she was expelled from the university. At first we scolded her, we were very upset that she was hiding problems with her studies. My daughter told us that we do not take her opinion into account and that we are too strict with her. In the summer she lived with a classmate, refusing to go home. I found a job and no longer contacted her on Skype. She re-entered another department based on her old results, the same university, and returned to the dormitory. We agreed that we would also send her money for food, but in return she would call again and write that she was fine. This worked for a few more months, but now she communicates less and less, hardly talks about her life and refuses to talk on Skype (we quarreled because of this). When I tried to find out the reason, my daughter at first kept silent, then burst into tears and said that it was fear of us, that everything would be like that summer, the same scandal. And I burst into tears myself and said all sorts of things (that her husband would snap and take her home, that we would completely cover her studies, let her sit with her brother at home, but under supervision, at least we would know what was wrong with her). Even that summer, she threatened that she would leave the family, earn money herself, and then we wouldn’t even hear a word about her life. Now my husband accuses me that she only wants money from us, so she called occasionally, as if under pressure. We are very worried about her, so we came up with all sorts of things, but she kept insisting that it was her fault and that we were not to blame. But it turned out that it was the other way around. And she avoids us as best she can. She says that everything is fine with her studies now, but we don’t believe her. And at the end of that quarrel she said: “This is what I was talking about for now.” Tell me what to do? Until she reached adulthood, we gave her little freedom and did not allow her to stay out late. But that's normal. With her next to her good friends, the company is decent - they don’t smoke, drink or take drugs. We just don’t understand why she moved away so quickly and so much and why she doesn’t want to come home. Thank you.
Alexandra
Hello, Alexandra.
Your feelings of confusion, hurt and disappointment are understandable. The situation is not easy. And it is really very sad when their own children refuse to communicate with their parents. It is important at this moment to perceive these feelings as a signal that something needs to be changed in the relationship with your daughter. Yes, very often our children do not live up to our expectations, do not do what we want from them. But our desires and hopes are our vision of how they should live, and the vision of adult children may differ significantly from ours. And that's okay, because that's how their individuality is expressed.
In addition, any action gives rise to reaction. The more you pressure and control, the more your daughter will resist. And this is a normal reaction for anyone. Even if you manage to force her to communicate with you, is such communication “through force” really what will suit you? I can imagine that you want the girl to want to call and talk to you. Think about what you can do to make her want it?
Your daughter is already a fully formed adult. You gave her everything you could in the previous years of upbringing. Next you need to come to terms with the fact that your parental role is over. This is a very difficult, but important stage of your parenting, when you need to let go of the child and recognize him as a separate adult. Now it’s best for you to change your position “from above” to a relationship on equal terms, that is, become a friend, not a controller. And the hardest thing to accept is that she is now responsible for her own safety. Perhaps it will help you to think that so far she has coped with this task perfectly, she is doing well.
Your main goals at the moment may be to reduce control over your daughter and restore her trust in you. Think about what prevents her from trusting you? After all, all the facts of her independent life indicate that she can be responsible, can solve her problems herself: she was expelled, but reinstated in her studies, found a job and a place to live, even if it was temporary. Remember what is the purpose of raising children? It’s not that they have to be under parental supervision all their lives. It's not that they never make mistakes. And it’s not even that they always get only “excellent” grades at the university. In my opinion, the tasks of parents are to teach children self-reliance, independence, responsibility, as well as teach them to correct their own mistakes and be successful in life using their knowledge. And for this they need freedom of action.
Instead of being afraid for the girl, you can be happy for her successes, sympathize with her difficulties and support her in her endeavors. Of course, this may not be easy for you at first. In order to rebuild in a positive way, you need to realize and accept your own feelings, as well as understand in response to what the desire to control your daughter appears within you. The book by Jill HINES and Alison BAVERSTOKE may give you some ideas.
However, often theoretical knowledge is not enough, since we cannot look at ourselves from the outside and see what mistakes we make. Therefore, I recommend that you seek a face-to-face consultation with a psychologist to understand how you can change your behavior and improve your relationship with your daughter. On our website you can find addresses of free ones in your city.
Anastasia Vyalykh,
Family psychologist
You will find a list of them at the bottom of the page.
Adolescence is a difficult stage in the life of a child and his parents. However, it is very important to learn to understand your child during such a difficult period for him. Loud arguments, insults and misunderstandings very often accompany adolescence. Instead of following a pattern, try to break the vicious circle of misunderstanding. Start communicating with your teenage daughter and try to understand her feelings. Thanks to this, you will be able to establish a warm relationship with her.
Steps
Communicate with your daughter
- If your daughter is into music, ask her to talk about artists she likes. Tell her that you would love to listen to her favorite songs. Even if you don't like the music your daughter listens to, don't tell her about it.
- If your daughter follows fashion trends, ask her to show you her favorite online stores. You can spend time looking at items of clothing. Plus, you can even plan a trip to shopping mall and go shopping together.
- By understanding what inspires and makes your daughter happy, you will get to know her better. Find out about her aspirations and who she wants to emulate. Her role model could be an older brother, a friend, or a celebrity.
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Discuss issues related to alcohol and drug use. When talking about the dangers associated with drug and alcohol use, try not to lecture. Talk about the consequences of drug and alcohol use.
Show your daughter that her feelings matter to you. No matter what your daughter is feeling - sad, embarrassed or angry - she needs to know that her feelings are very important to you.
- Don't roll your eyes or tell her she's overreacting. For example, try saying, “I understand what you are saying. You seem really angry with your friends. It must be difficult."
- If you are arguing or just discussing a serious issue, always give her the opportunity to speak. Don't dismiss her words. Look her in the eye, nod while she speaks, and listen carefully.
- Repeat what your teen daughter says so she knows you are listening and understand her feelings.
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React to your daughter's words with a warm hug. Hug your daughter to show that you understand her feelings and are ready to provide the support she needs. Teenagers don’t always want to say that all they need at such moments is the love and attention of a loved one.
- If your daughter is really upset, say, “It looks like you're having a... difficult period. Can I hug you?
- A hug maybe in a good way resolve the dispute. Take a few minutes to cool down. Then go to your daughter and try to repeat the arguments she gave you. Then tell her you want to hug her. This will show your love and support.
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Take mental health issues seriously. You may think she's too young to be dealing with these issues, but if your teenage daughter tells you she's depressed or has occasional suicidal thoughts, don't take her words lightly.
Talk to her. You can start by asking her about her day at school. However, don't stop there. Strive to establish close communication. To learn to understand your daughter, you need to communicate with her.
Find out what interests your daughter. Communication during adolescence is a great opportunity to get to know your daughter better. You might be surprised to learn how much her interests have changed recently. If you know what your daughter is interested in, finding common topics of conversation will not be difficult.
Respect her desire to be independent
- You may feel like she is constantly questioning your authority. This type of behavior during adolescence is quite normal and is a sign that your teen is seeking more independence.
- Your daughter is growing not only physically, but also mentally. During adolescence, opinions about how the world works are formed. Sometimes the opinions of children and parents do not coincide.
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Think about where you can be more flexible in your life, reducing your control and allowing your daughter to be more independent. For example, if you usually choose clothing items for your daughter, give her the opportunity to do it herself. Establish ground rules to guide her when choosing clothes. However, leave the final decision up to her. Let her be alone.
For a teenage girl this is extremely necessary. Respect her desire to be alone. Give her more freedom according to her age. Allow her to go out with friends and attend school events. Try to find the right balance between being overprotective and complete freedom
- when it comes to rules.
- Even as your daughter gets older, you should set clear boundaries. For example, you can allow her to go on dates. However, be sure to set clear rules about when she should come home and where she can spend her time.
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Allow your daughter to spend the night at her friend's house. Don't call her constantly. Let her make decisions.
Be prepared for the fact that your daughter may challenge your authority in order to demonstrate her independence to you.
Of course, as a parent, you make most of the decisions. However, it is important that your daughter is involved in the process too - whether it's when she comes home or goes to bed; let her make her own decisions.
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Know how a teenager thinks Along with other changes, your daughter's brain is also changing. It is important for you to acknowledge this fact.
- Different parts of the brain mature in different time. Parts of the brain associated with impulsivity, reward, and motivation mature earlier than those associated with behavioral analysis.
- Therefore, a teenager is not able to correctly assess the consequences of his actions, like an adult. For this reason, it is critical for parents to talk to their children about the consequences of risk-taking behavior.
My daughter is not getting married, why? This question often becomes painful for the mother. Just recently, my daughter was very little, and now she has already become a beauty of marriageable age. And, it seems, it’s time, but time goes on, and the girl cannot get married, which means she cannot give up her destiny, be happy. In any case, it seems so to us. Maybe she was not given something in childhood, maybe she was raised incorrectly? We, mothers, begin to delve into ourselves, in our mistakes, or, on the contrary, we rush to condemn our daughter’s behavior, or even turn to fortune-tellers to remove the “wreath of celibacy.” But this way and that way, we remain in suffering, which only increases from year to year. What to do if your daughter cannot get married? How can I help both her and myself?
My daughter is not getting married, what should I do: sound the alarm or sit quietly?
For what reasons does the daughter not want or cannot get married?
How to help your daughter get married?
The heart of any mother is torn to pieces by the fact that her daughter cannot get married and experience the joy of motherhood. After all, she herself knows that the birth of a child, this very daughter, was the most beautiful moment in her own life. We wish only the best for the dearest part of us, our daughter. But it doesn’t work out for her. Why is this happening?
The difference between eras, or why daughters are in no hurry to get married
More recently, the world was much simpler than it is now. Any girl needed little to be happy: get married, have a child and, of course, learn how to cook delicious borscht. Everything else: work, career, hobbies, recreation, friends - this was also, of course, important and necessary, but without marriage and motherhood there could not even be any talk of women's happiness. To remain an old girl, to be of no use to anyone, lonely and old - this is a real horror story. They were afraid of such a fate, so couples formed quite quickly, we got married at 17-18 years old, and gave birth already at 19-21. In fact, there was no special search for a husband. Only time knocked - at work or at a dance, at the institute or through an acquaintance, we found our betrothed, and then it was one step before the wedding. And very rarely it was great love, and for everyone else it was just agreement with what is.
Today the world is a little different. Firstly, we have already removed all the restrictions and attitudes of society, which means you can do whatever you want and not be ashamed of anyone - you don’t have to get married, you can live together without getting married. And once they start living like this, few people even get to the registry office. Secondly, each girl’s circle of acquaintances has expanded significantly - the Internet has appeared, where there are many more candidates for marriage than there were before. And the greater the choice, the more questions for each candidate, the more complaints, the more expectations.
Today girls can choose, have the right to liberties outside of marriage, and this is natural changed their behavior. Now they no longer strive to get married as soon as possible. Just like it was when their mothers were young.
Perhaps, at first glance, it will seem that the world has changed for the worse. But in fact, it’s the other way around, the world is developing for the better. The new world gives girls much more opportunities than their mothers had. And today, in the 21st century, a new horror story has appeared - scary to marry not for love, to live in a couple with a person without emotional intercourse, without spiritual intimacy, without sexual harmony, without very close, truly family relationships.
Modern girls are internally ready for completely new relationships, which for now are best built on the basis of marriage. But to make a fetish out of marriage and run away to marry anyone just to be a wife - stupid and reckless.
Such different girls, their desires are so different
The modern world has changed not only the girl’s behavior, but also her inner desires have increased. And since there are no special external restrictions from society, the girl has the freedom to set priorities for herself and choose life at her own discretion. Let's say, if a girl prefers a career and truly enjoys moving up in the ranks, then why not let her do it? Or a scientist daughter, absorbed in science and spending days and nights in laboratories, also cannot but cause tenderness and joy. If she doesn't want to get married, don't force her.
We must not forget that among us there are special, skin-visual girls who have a special role and a special psyche. Marriage and motherhood often become a heavy burden for them, bringing pain and apathy. And today they have many opportunities to realize themselves, not paying attention to social principles, as was the case in the past.
What to do if your daughter doesn't get married?
The world is a complicated place. When we are given a lot, a lot is always asked. Having received many advantages, one cannot help but understand that this also entails greater responsibility for one’s destiny. And, unfortunately, not every girl can still really find her way in modern conditions, open up, and find her soul mate. And, yes, yes, get married.
Thus, it often happens that owners of a sound vector cannot find the appropriate implementation for themselves. They are oppressed by depression, they cannot find common topics for conversation with others - it is natural that in their detachment and apathy they cannot find a mate.
Viewers often face another unfortunate scenario. After reading romance novels and after watching enough romantic films, they are waiting for their prince. But he still doesn’t show up. And it won’t appear, because it is overly idealized, which means it doesn’t exist in principle.
Another global problem is that modern young people are not in the mood to build relationships. At the slightest conflict, they break ties and do not get married. But everyone knows that there are no ideal couples - people must get used to each other, learn to respect and love their partner.
There are many more negative factors that lead to a daughter not getting married. And almost all of them lie in the sphere of the subconscious and psychology, which means that in order to solve them, a girl needs to understand herself, understand her problems, and determine the real criteria of a man who is suitable for her. The latest science in the field of psychology - system-vector thinking - copes well with solving all these issues. More details about this.
If you have a desire to help your daughter get married, first of all, show respect for her and her feelings. And also invite you to come to introductory lectures on system-vector psychology, as an opportunity to better understand yourself and your desires. The introductory part of the lectures is absolutely free and available to everyone at
Sometimes it happens that children remain unsettled in life for a long time, causing great concern to the mother. If your daughter can’t find a loving young man, don’t despair - just use a special plot to get your daughter married, which will help her improve her personal life.
At the same time, you can use various rituals, including if she has no desire for a quick wedding. First you need to determine what the purpose of witchcraft will be, and only then begin to plan the marriage of your child.
Quite often it happens that the daughter is not attracted to good men, or she doesn’t come across any on her life’s path. There can be a lot of reasons for this - from non-compliance with modern beauty standards to banal bad luck or even damage.
Of course, in the latter case, an ordinary conspiracy will not help - your daughter will be able to get married only after a cleansing ritual, which must be carried out by an experienced specialist. Under other circumstances, everything remains in the hands of the mother, who can use magical ways to solve such problems.
It is necessary to take a large amount of holy water and divide it into three parts.
We draw your attention to the fact that marriage will be successful only if the water has been blessed during the feast of Epiphany.
One part is given to the daughter to drink, the second is used to wash her, and the third is poured outside the house. After this, you must pray for thirty-three days, reading the Our Father at least seven times a day.
In addition, the following spell must be recited twice a day:
“The devilry is terrible and dashing,
let go of my little blood.
Mother of God, give my daughter a groom,
don't let me live alone.
Help me find a husband, young, kind,
Yes, in the bed of the good man.
Give our family a protector -
both rich and a glorious warrior.
Amen!"
It is worth noting that the plot will only work if the daughter herself wants to get married and does not resist your will. Unfortunately, this does not always happen - some girls despair when they cannot find a worthy match for themselves and push away all potential suitors.
If this happens, help your daughter - talk to her like a mother and explain what is most important the right attitude and healthy optimism in life.
When you need persuasion
As a last resort, you can resort to a special method, thanks to which your daughter will forget that she did not want to get married. For this, a special conspiracy is used, which involves the creation of an effective potion. The ideal way to prepare it is to use a drop of blood or a hair from the person you are going to marry her to. If you cannot do this, or there is no suitable candidate, feel free to use a simplified ritual - it will help you find the right mood.
You can create the mentioned potion for your daughter by collecting the following ingredients:
- a drop of your blood;
- tincture of wormwood (it’s better to create it yourself using alcohol);
- holy water;
- sugar.
Take water and place blood in it, which will symbolize your relationship. To push a daughter away from her mother, pour in half a teaspoon of bitter wormwood elixir. Then you need to use the symbol of marriage by warming the drink a little and adding two teaspoons of sugar per cup, stirring thoroughly. When preparing this remedy, do not forget to pronounce the spell with the following words:
"Dear blood
My daughter
Get away from your mother
Look at the world
You will find suitors
Anyone you like
Dear daughter,
Don't hold on to me
More bitter than steppe herbs
I will have your love,
When you're lonely
My husband's love is sweet
Yes, it's nice
My daughter,
Get away from your mother
Find a house
Get rich
And please me
Amen!"
After this, all that remains is to cool the resulting repellent potion and give it a teaspoon at a time, adding it to the drink in the morning. Be sure that in just a week, marriage will no longer seem like such a terrible disaster to your daughter and will not cause disgust. If you morally support her and give her self-confidence, then the creation of a new happy family will not be far off.
However, after you have used such a conspiracy, you cannot use the method described above for at least a year so as not to create severe disruptions to normal energy.
There are such powerful prayers, and there are many of them. For example, Christian prayer for my daughter to get married, addressed to the miracle worker, the great Saint Nicholas. Saint Nicholas the Wonderworker is a guardian of home well-being and a healer. This is one of the most revered saints in Russia, “the second intercessor after God,” people resort to him in all cases of life, including taking care of the marriage of their daughters.
Orthodox prayer to St. Nicholas the Wonderworker of Myra for his daughter to get married.
“Oh, all-holy Nicholas, exceedingly saintly servant of the Lord, our warm intercessor, and everywhere in sorrow a quick helper!
Help me, a sinner and sad person in this present life, beg the Lord God to grant me forgiveness of all my sins, which I have sinned greatly from my youth, in all my life, in deed, word, thought and all my feelings; and at the end of my soul, help me the accursed, beg the Lord God, the Creator of all creation, to deliver me from airy ordeals and eternal torment: may I always glorify the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, and your merciful intercession, now and ever and unto ages of ages. Amen".
Love is a big and bright feeling in the life of any person. It can be different. But at the same time, we can say with confidence that the goal of a person in love is always a wedding. Love spells for marriage are a means of white magic. They are in great demand in the modern world. Moreover, such rituals are often used not by the applicants themselves, but by their relatives, who strive with the best intentions to help. So, a white love spell for a daughter’s marriage is very popular.
Options for marriage rituals
There are a huge number of rituals that can speed up a daughter’s marriage. They can be used in a wide variety of situations.So that my daughter gets married faster
If you think that your daughter has been too long a wench, then you can speed up the marriage by performing a ritual using honey. To do this, the natural product needs to be spoken in these words:“The hard-working bees collected sweet honey, and for a long time they flew over the flower fields. So the Servant of God (daughter’s name) will circle around this house, surround the family with affection and keep the house in order. Just as bees work all day, so she will work and never tire. And her husband will bring money into the house and fill it with wealth. So that he would love the Servant of God (daughter’s name) very much, so that she would be sweet to him, like this honey. So that everything goes well in their family and works out. My word is strong, maternal. No one will cancel or change my order. Magic words cannot be cut or chopped. As I said, so it will be. Amen".
With the charmed honey you will need to drink tea with your daughter. At the same time, you need to persuade her to eat more honey.
Ritual with candles
There is also a stronger ritual with candles that will help your daughter get married. For the ceremony you need to first prepare:- Three red candles; A lock of daughter’s hair; Oatmeal jelly.
- Above the first:
“I, the Servant of God (proper name), am my daughter’s mother, so my business is not to take, but to give.”
Above the second:
“I, the Servant of God (proper name), gave life to the Servant of God (name zhocheri), and took upon myself to take care of her for the rest of my life.”
Above the third:
“My mother’s heart hurts, my daughter orders the Servant of God (daughter’s name) to get married.”
“Let the care from my soul be removed from my heart by the one my daughter marries.”
You need to feed your daughter with the enchanted jelly.
To speed up the proposal and engagement
If your daughter has been dating a young man for a long time, but he is in no hurry to propose to her, then the mother can speed this up by performing a special ritual. It must be performed in the first week after the full moon. This ritual is very powerful, but it requires mandatory preliminary preparation. It consists in the fact that three days before the ritual it is necessary to observe strict fasting. In addition, during this period it is necessary to find peace of mind, it is important to avoid stress and nervous tension, as well as conflicts with other people. The ritual takes place early in the morning. It will need to use the following attributes:- A white new tablecloth; One candle, blessed in the church; A vessel with water; A vessel with honey.
“I, the Servant of God (proper name), am the mother of my daughter, therefore my word has power. I light one candle, I unite two destinies into one. From now on, the Servant of God (daughter's name) and the Servant of God (boyfriend's name) will live the same life. They are connected by love and will always be faithful to each other. Amen".
These words should be spoken until the candle burns out. To enhance the directed effect, it is important to visualize the day of the future wedding. After the ceremony, you should give some of the water that was used in the ritual to your daughter and ask her to wash herself with it. And the second part of the water should be used to sprinkle all the door and window openings. With the charmed honey, you just need to drink tea with your daughter and her chosen one. If this can be done, then soon the partners will unite themselves in legal marriage. When deciding to cast a love spell on your daughter’s marriage, you should understand that happiness is a state of mind. And this does not depend on having a husband, an apartment or wealth. Therefore, it is unlikely that one should interfere with the fate of a daughter if she does not strive for marriage.
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A beautiful daughter lived with her wonderful parents in a small but cozy two-room apartment. Clever beauty, kind soul. A little lethargic, a little weak-willed, but sweet and obedient. School, music school, institute.
There are no problems with school. Without a medal, but also without humiliating triples.
With the music, yes, I had to push it a little, but afterwards the girl was only grateful. Now, at any family holiday, she could safely sit down at the piano and play Oginsky’s Polonaise or even the Moonlight Sonata without shame.
Things turned out a little worse with the institute. But, really, why fill your head with something empty? Medical? What kind of nonsense? Everyone knows HOW MANY people there are for one small place.
Here in a simple technical university - we understand that. Moreover, my father was graduating from it, and a couple of acquaintances remained at the department.
Following the established track, the girl reached the third year, and then a certain limit came. The diagnosis is “nervous exhaustion.” But they survived the hospital. Parents redoubled their attention. Dad himself, devoting time and effort, taught his daughter the disciplines she didn’t like, and after several years of study, the desired result was achieved - a diploma and assignment to the department of her father’s research institute.
What happened next? Job. Not very interesting, but worthy and respected. Life in the same apartment surrounded by a loving family. Well-established life. Moonlight Sonata.
And the mother’s growing bewilderment: how can this be, all my daughter’s friends, all the girls of friends and relatives are married and raising their children, and only our wonderful one is all with us.
I must say that my grandmother grew old in the same wonderful family. She grew old in a separate apartment on the former outskirts of the city and reached the point where this process could no longer continue alone. The fact is unfortunate, but common.
The family council tried and decided how to combine further aging with family care, but all proposals were frustrated by the old woman’s stubborn reluctance to move from her separate apartment to a two-room apartment with her children and granddaughter. The only option that the old lady agreed to was to exchange her living space for her granddaughter’s room, with her (the granddaughter’s) obligatory move to a new place of residence. This proposal was accompanied by a playful wink and not entirely indecent hints, to the great awe of both the parents and the thirty-year-old girl by that time.
Perhaps everyone would have been tormented by doubts for a long time, but the ending was spurred by the unexpected illness of the grandmother. The move has been completed. The girl found herself alone, far from her mother, father and the city center.
At first it was horror-horror-horror, right down to lonely tears in the pillow, short-term journaling and nightly hours-long telephone conversations with distant relatives.
Then there was just the horror of attending classical music concerts and realizing the need to buy new curtains.
Then... Then old institute classmates came to the conclusion that an apartment separate from parents, husbands, wives and children is a great place for friendly meetings and peaceful parties.
And then she got married. Suddenly. For a wonderful person, an old friend of mine who studied on a parallel course. By the way, as modest, sweet and quiet as she herself. It’s just that after another feast he stayed too long, they talked all night and realized that it was not necessary to part. By that time, he owned a room in a communal apartment on the other side of the city.
They gave birth to a beautiful daughter, changed apartments and rooms closer to her parents and live in peace and harmony. But that is another story. Oh, here’s another thing: the grandmother is still alive and continues to grow old happily to the delight of herself, her children, her granddaughter and her new great-granddaughter.
Text: Tatyana Hein
Instead of an epilogue - a commentary from a psychologist
But not everyone is so lucky with elderly relatives. And there are countless girls like our heroine. Nice, quiet, a little apathetic, very comfortable. They are always loving daughters and devoted confidantes. They are attractive, but even real bitches are not afraid to be friends with them. They are often smart and well-read and almost always decent, modest and thrifty. They live with their parents and are very lonely.
Mothers cannot understand why there has not yet been a line lined up for their angels, and these lively neighbor sluts (“no skin, no face, no shame, no conscience”) have been married for a year (five, ten, a quarter of a century). Why is there no queue?
Firstly, because already now, without any applicants for your hand or offerors of your heart, everything is arranged in the life of your angel. Familiar and filled. Social roles are distributed. Affections are distributed, connections are established and there are no vacancies.
Secondly, an adult child living with his parents, from year to year, does not increase, but loses, the skills of responsibility, independence and initiative, and becomes a kind of beautiful dead fish. Who needs dead fish?
Thirdly, your request is missing. You can be surprised and indignant at the blindness of today's men as much as you like, but you are much calmer while your daughter is nearby. It’s very convenient to have a child at home. There is no risk and no reason to worry. And it’s okay that the child is already 20, 30, 40 years old. Maybe even good. As a last resort, there will be someone to bring you a glass of water in your old age, even if you are never thirsty.
But all this is deep inside (after all, we are not monsters and want happiness for our child) and rarely “pops up” to the surface. And outside: yes, we are very lucky with our miracle child, but for some reason she never has her own separate and happy life. Or maybe unhappy, but her own and separate. And it seems like what can we do? And for some reason I feel a little guilty.
Just as in the case of deep and severe depression, sometimes simple cleaning with shaking out carpets and washing windows helps, so this protracted and painful situation can be resolved with simple means. Rent it, buy it, exchange it, but move the child away. No, a separate apartment will not provide any guarantee of marriage, much less a successful one. But chance...
For many it is the only one.
(c) magazine
Zhanna Margulis, family lawyer
“On Sunday, a woman called me, whose husband had left her two months ago, and told me that a cruel judicial and moral case had begun. war for four year old daughter. Moreover, the claim for divorce and determination of the child’s place of residence was filed by the child’s father, who decided that he could easily become both mother and father for the child.
My proposal to resolve the issue in a civilized manner was met with a bang, but only from my mother, who became my client. The child's father reluctantly agreed to the meeting, holding in his hand what he believed was the most trump card for the court - your financial well-being based on your white salary, paid to him by a well-known organization.
We agreed to meet at the child’s favorite cafe, where we came with a client and her daughter, because on Saturday kindergarten closed, and there were no helpers, such as grandmothers and nannies, in this family.
Meeting the client’s ex-husband was not memorable or remarkable, except for one thing: whenever possible, the husband always kissed the child on the lips. It would seem that it was just a transfer of energy and heat, but I suspected something was wrong when the father and the child sat at another table to give another doll, and suddenly a minute later the girl began to squeal and shout at the whole cafe that she no longer needed her mother and that daddy is so good... We retreated sharply, leaving ex-husband in a cafe, thinking about my proposal end the case with a settlement agreement with the condition that the girl live with her mother.
Still from the movie “I Am Sam” After the meeting ended, I began questioning the client passionately about the girl’s relationship with her dad. It turned out that the relationship between the spouses deteriorated just after the birth of their daughter. No postpartum depression there was no, on the contrary, the wife managed to remain a wife, despite the increase in worries. But it was as if the husband had been replaced. He jumped up to the child at night, once again ready to feed the baby himself from a bottle with expressed milk, if only the daughter was in her mother’s arms as little as possible, because she was already with the child all day. Some kind of manic jealousy overcome child's father, and not to anyone, but to his mother.
My verdict was not long in coming: I forbade mom from leaving the child with dad on weekends and referred the mother to a child psychotherapist, who confirmed my suspicions about the presence of The father of the child has an Electra complex(for those who don’t know, this is the Oedipus complex in reverse).
Unfortunately, many parents ignore clause 1 of Article 65 of the Family Code of the Russian Federation, according to which: “Parental rights cannot be exercised in conflict with the interests of children. Ensuring the interests of children should be the main concern of their parents. When exercising parental rights, parents do not have the right to cause harm to the physical and mental health of children or their moral development.”
Subconsciously, having witnessed the situation in the cafe, I recognized dolus malus in my father’s loving actions ( lat. evil intent). And I was not mistaken. According to the mother, dad, when left alone with his daughter, always tries to convince the child that dad loves more because he can afford more than mom, that dad can buy everything that his daughter wants, that cakes taste better in restaurants, and that mom doesn’t allow me to watch cartoons all day - in general, dad is better and that’s all. The picture was put together for the court and obviously not without the help of a consultant. There was a purposeful “zombification” of the child, preparation for a forensic examination, if one arose.
Still from the movie “I Am Sam” We still managed to agree on peace, but in court, and without any examinations. The child’s father did not foresee that during long regular business trips someone should be with the child, and besides an expensive nanny with a reputation, he could not allow anyone to see his “princess”, the father’s love was too immeasurable, and this is actually half his salary, which, as it turned out, is completely unprofitable for him and that living with his mother, to whom he will be obliged to pay child support, will be much cheaper.
I'm glad the matter ended amicably, otherwise, who would grow up from the little girl that dad carries in his arms from an early age?, teaching freebies and corruption, techniques for manipulating men, starting with his own father? However, it is precisely with such a one-sided material upbringing that those who say: “This is not why my mother gave birth to me, let her provide for me, and I will be KRA-SI-VA-YA,” grow up.”
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